she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Sext me about skeletons
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
