Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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