I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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