Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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