if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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