So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
