I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
