I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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