I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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