Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
