I hope mine doesn't look like that
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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