she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
