okay pat passed out under dana's car
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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