I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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