you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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