Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
They took my balls.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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