she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
