The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
