"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
