I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
