I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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