I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i out mim tonsoeep
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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