Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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