i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
