she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
