Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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