she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Randomize
