Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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