btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
