i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
