Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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