The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
