When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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