I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
