My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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