I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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