I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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