I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
