I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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