you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
