And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
false alarm, still single
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
