You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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