remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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