Just fell off a train. Bad.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize