I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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