the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
