She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
