i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
