Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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