Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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