too bad you live with your parents still
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
