I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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