I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
