genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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