Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
