he puts the penis in happiness.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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