she looked like the before picture.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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