We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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